This blog is a record of my journey to find my true name. The essence of who I am and who I want to become. It is a journey of change. It is a journey of many false starts and falls. It is a journey that never ends rather it may be slow at times or it may cover lots of ground. It may be a place where I find rest and sometime I get lost and end up travelling in circles.
It is a journey that is one I must make of my own will with the support of several others as my guides. My Personal Trainer, My Nutritionist, My Psychiatrist, My Counsellor, My Journal. It is the healing of my mind and body. My mind eroded by depression and an ED-binge eating and compulsive eating. I want to recover and find food as fuel rather than comfort,enemy, sabitoger, drug, disgusting, scapegoat chore, something to fear.
The balance I wish to achieve is to find freedom from food, freedom from feelings, freedom from failure, freedom from failing yet again and giving up. I want to learn to fall, get up and keep on going in the same direction rather than sliding backwards. It is a balance that seeks hope.
These are the things I hope for.....To hope for the disconnection between eating and TV. To hope for the resistance to watch less TV and find energy for things that feed my soul rather than food. To hope for the habitat of regular exercise without condemnation and self-discouragement. To hope for the determination and care follow my eating plan with planning, mindfulness, sense of indulgence rather than deprivation. To hope for finding my Happy Size and Weight. To hope for the release of creativity in my living, activities and work. To hope for community with others and building friendships. To hope for renewing friendships and finding new friends. To hope for spiritual growth and peace. To hope for the release emotions that are trapped within me, bottled for so long that I do not know what they are or how to release them.
Hoping is a better place to start. It is not from a place of fear or despair. To hope for my dreams and finding the confidence and the ability to believe that it can be done. That I can find my true name.
